creating eve

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LFMG-LOOKING FOR MR.GOODBAR

 

lookingformrgoodbar

05,MAY 2016 By N8tivegirl

Looking for Mr. Good-bar… Do you ever wonder how some people attract good men and women effortlessly?  Are there more or less secret they know that has eluded you? Are you tired of searching for that one person you want to spend your life with, only to end up in one blind alley after another?  Do you ever long to be married and have a family, like your friends? Are you struggling to attract or keep hold of the kind of man or woman you would want to settle down with? Are you struggling to attract or keep hold of the kind of man or woman you want to settle down with?

Before you can find yourself or your soul mate, you must know what the spirit and soul are. The bible tells us we were created in the likeness of God, and that God is a trinity. “And God said,” let us make man in OUR image, after our likeness… “Spirit and soul are two very different things. Spirit: is breath, the animator, the vital principle that is in deathless, and changeless. Soul: is credited with the functions of sense, our emotional nature more like what we comprehend.

It’s so important to understand that there’s a process you have to go through before you can be with your ‘soul mate.  There are two types of relationships, one that you put yourself in and one that God puts you in.  There are also two types of marriages, one that God has put together and one you have put together. “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” so if God isn’t in the picture, then of course people will get in the way. And it won’t last it may prosper for a short time but it will eventually fail. In this verse it’s not talking about the physical thought of two people being together, but the spiritual side of your relationship – the soul tie.

There are godly soul ties which no man can break. “Before I formed you, I knew you” you’re spiritual being existed before you manifested into the physical. So your ‘soul mate’ was with you when God formed you, as Genesis 2:22 says “the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.” but you are separated when you manifested in the physical and at God’s timing you will be reunited. This is why when you do meet your soul mate, several thoughts will come across your mind and one of them will be “I feel like I’ve known this person all my life” truth is you have… in the spiritual realm.

We must realize that when we require people to live up to our ideal of love, we are creating fear that they may not and then when they can’t or don’t, it is really you who are producing your own disappointment, because you are looking for them to be something other than whom they actually are. The majority of our adult lives we have been told we have chemistry with someone. You can have chemistry with anyone and that does not make those people your soul mates.  When you encounter that special someone, there is chemistry between the two of you that is unexplainable.  It’s not sexual or physical attraction, but more so a spiritual connection that draws you to his other spirit.  That person you have this chemistry and are drawn to must be whole just as you should be whole.  Wholeness will qualify as the chemistry and connection that you have with your soul mate.  You will receive a word from God that gives you your divine confirmation that this person is your soul mate.  The person must have a sense of purpose, knowing who they are extremely important.  You don’t want to wake up and realize your purpose and you are in the wrong relationship.  You want somebody who knows who they are and is in full pursuit of their intention, their dreams, and living each day whole!

The best advice for finding a soul mate remain committed to yourself first, and being who you really are inside, and making your inside and outside the same.

How do you recognize that you have found your soul partner?  You just have to pray and ask God to help you make the right choices.

There has to be some kind of chemistry to identify if someone is your soulmate, isn’t just based on ‘chemistry’ because you can have chemistry with about 50 people, but that doesn’t signify you should then leap into a relationship with them. You might have similarities, maybe its interest or even bondage past – loneliness, brokenness etc. If that’s the basis of your ‘chemistry’ then you’re in difficulty. You can’t be a slave to chemistry. If that’s the only basis of your relationship, then your relationship won’t make it.  But, chemistry is the sort of ‘fire starter’ to what will lead you need.

There has to be a connection – Something that attracts you to them, maybe wanting to know them more.  Just because he or she is saved, the love doesn’t mean they’re your ‘soul mate’. But this connection is spiritual; it’s because of the soul tie I mentioned before. This connection has to be ‘godly’ it’s not made by ‘something happening’ in terms of kissing to having sex with that just know if that’s the radical of your connection, then  you’ve only made an ungodly soul tie. “I felt like after we kissed there was something, like a spark!” You need to understand that the connection is not created by something happening, it’s always been there, but you’re yet to discover that when you meet your soul mate

You must be whole, too many times people jump into relationships feeling incomplete, hurt, and even lonely, feelings that you know you have to deal with but because you see a shot of starting a relationship, in your mind, maybe you feel like as if “you know what, I don’t think anyone will even look at me twice or even like me, so might as well…” but listen, you’re not whole. You haven’t come to the point where you feel whole, every broken piece is perfect and comfortable being by yourself that if granted the option to be single for the remainder of your lifetime, you honestly wouldn’t mind. When you realize that God is enough, that is the desire you want to be ‘fulfilled’ in a relationship will disappear. The danger of leaping into a relationship when you haven’t dealt with insecurities, and things you know you need to deal with, when the relationship is complete you’ll have to share with them all their feelings you abandoned’ and sort of shoved to the position, and you’ll honestly feel shattered, if you don’t give up your insecurities to God. You can’t anticipate a fruitful relationship, if you’re both not whole. It’s like a boomerang; you leap into a relationship thinking I won’t be accepted my, with insecurities… why is that? Because your security is in a person instead of it being in God, and therefore when the relationship is gone like a boomerang those feelings will come back, and you’ll be ‘overwhelmed’ and unable to deal with them. Two broken people will simply lead to more brokenness, it’s not a thing of fact, “he or she understands me” it’s more like you’re both broken, but blinded because you reckon a person will complete you, because you underestimate God’s ability to make you whole. It’s important that you must be whole. If you’re in a relationship and you have this core dependency on the individual you’re with, when you do become whole the relationship will be meaningless, wouldn’t it? What happens if you’re in your relationship and you realize your purpose?

A soul mate doesn’t fill a void! The one thing about soul mates is that you don’t have to seek them out. God will give them to you at the proper time. You seeking them out are like telling God you’re ready, but only God knows when you’re ready! You may feel like your spiritual life is great and you are ready to meet the one” maybe God wants to elevate you to an even higher level so you and your soul mate are on the same level. “The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.”  The LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place.”  Adam was asleep when God took out his rib and made Eve, how did he know that she was his bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh? When you meet your soul mate there’s that godly connection that you instantly feel, it’s like you’ve met the male or female version of yourself. It’s not their body that attracts them should because your body will decay, but it’s their spirit.  If it’s your soul mate, you can let go, you don’t have to suffer this fear of losing your soul because you recognize that if it is God’s will they’ll come back. But, if you’re in a relationship that’s not a part of God’s will of course you’re going to be scared because you’ll never find anyone like them, or someone who can ‘tolerate’ not love you, but ‘tolerates’ with you and it’s vice versa. If you possess this mentality then it’s like you’ve let down your standards in order to satisfy someone else’s.

Divine confirmation not, from your friends, I’m talking about God. Find out if they really are your soul mate, then of course God will confirm through people, maybe situations will reassure you. Did receive you a word from God? When you’re with someone and you don’t feel the presence of God when you’re together then you shouldn’t be together. So many times we need to separate our “spiritual life” and “love life” but really it is one, well, it should be! If you’re reading this and thinking “I don’t know if my relationship is from God” then it’s a no, it’s not from God because if it was you wouldn’t doubt or question because God will confirm

Don’t permit yourself to “tolerate” someone who doesn’t understand your worth or value you, you might feel like you don’t have any self-worth or value, but I’m sure you have a little bit to walk forth from a relationship that’s just pushing you not merely away from God, but away from your purpose which you long to see turn into a reality. Please realize that God thinks so highly of you and knows what you deserve, but in order to receive not what you believe you ‘deserve’ because we don’t know, but what God knows and does not thinks but knows you deserve. God is not going to permit you to let yourself be emotionally drained in a relationship that’s just leaving you emptier than you were before you entered it. Permit or allow Him to fix every broken piece, allow Him to make you whole because that’s His desire. You might feel like you want to walk away, but you don’t know how to. I desire you to get into prayer in this minute and I desire you to scream, not talk because from the depths of your soul your spirit cries out, especially given to the fact you’re feeling incomplete, submit yourself to God. He’s not running to judge or push you away, like maybe you’ve experienced before or like the person you’re in a relationship with you. Give God a chance, and He’ll help you on the steps to take in order for you to be free and whole again. Perhaps you feel like you know what I’ve been in a relationship and I’ve messed up real time there’s no means God can forgive me because I consciously recognized it wasn’t His Will, like I got along. You might feel like a ‘failure’, let me tell you something, understand that God will never abandon you. You need to pray to view what you went through in the eyes of God when you can look backwards and seize the lesson from it rather than the pain you went through that will change everything for you. Hold on that perspective.

The trouble is that not many people are willing to wait for their ‘soul mate’ and would rather play God and find ourselves with someone who we believe will accommodate us. Are you really willing to wait? I pray that you’ll get to a content stage in your walk with Christ, where you’ll be whole and when you do meet your soul mate, you’ll be grateful for all the ones you said “no” too, the relationships that failed. Unto You, O Lord, do I bring my desire to find a godly husband or wife? Lord, I trust in, lean on, rely on and am confident in you. Let me not be put to shame or be disappointed; let not my enemies, the spirits of rejection, hurt, inferiority, or unworthiness triumph over me (Psalm 25).

Heavenly Father, I am looking for your plan, your answer for my life. It is my desire to get married. But I must be sure in my decision that I am living as you intend and that I am accepting whatever situation you have put me into. According to Your Word, marriage will bring extra problems that I may not need to face at this time in my life. Lord you weigh the spirits, the thoughts and the intents of the heart. So, I give them all to you. I ask that you cause my ideas to become agreeable to your will, and so shall my plans be established and succeed. Because You, Lord, are my Shepherd and I have everything I need! I trust in You are my life, Lord, that you will let me stay in the meadow pasture and lead me beside the quiet streams. You will give me new strength and help me do what honors and glorifies you the most. Heavenly Father, help me to not be afraid, and to know that you are close beside me, guarding and guiding me all the way as I seek your will for my life. Lord instructs me to constantly pray and not to faint, lose heart, or yield up that I may know your will for my lifetime. I ask You Lord to give me strength to accept your will; even if that means that it is not your will for me to be married at this time. In Jesus name I pray, amen. Amen!

 

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Trauma

trauma2

09 March 2016 by Valrelyn Parson

We all suffer trauma at some stage in our lifetimes. It’s how we endure those experiences that determine who we are after. Some people cling to the memories of the traumatic experience, and simply refuse to move forward. They become prisoners who are taken captive by the experience, and there are others who refuse to be in the past. There are those who use this experience as a stepping stone to propel them to greatness. Often times in life we have to determine if we want to live in the past, and wallow in the woe is me or chose to live and not die. Has your past trauma become your safety net in life?  Do you constantly tell the story of what you went through as a badge of courage or as a band aid to preserve you from moving forward and having a life? Some simply chose to remember no more, they allow their wounds to heal, and not to distract them. Life happens, sometimes the choices we make or others make leave us hurt and traumatized.

Oftentimes when we are hit with blunt force trauma, we wonder if we can make it.  If we survive there is the guilt of making it that haunts us. Because deep inside we wish we had not. The pain that we go through is often too hard to bear. But there is always light at the end of the tunnel and somewhere in the horizon.  There is hope to see us through one day at a time. You keep asking yourself why I made it through. And often times you feel guilty, because you are not happy with the result of the disaster.  You become Codependent on things and people to help you make it through one day at a time.  You are afraid of being happy, of being whole. Because you no longer know what those things are and what they look like. In your head, you say I have survived but in reality you have not.  It’s weird how traumatic experiences affect us.

Traumatic events such as early trauma can lead to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which affects about 8% of Americans at some point in time in their spirits as well as depression substance abuse, dissociation, personality disorders, and health problems. For many trauma victims, PTSD can be a lifelong problem. There are reports of child abuse, assault, brutal physical attack, and being in a war and witnessing violence, and bloodshed, and death from close quarters. Near death experiences change people. These are extremely traumatic events, and some victims bear the scars for life.

The physical scars heal, but some emotional wounds stop the lives of these people dead in their tracks. They are afraid to get close to people or form new relationships. Change terrifies them, and they remain forever hesitant to express their needs or even vent. It may not be always apparent, but post-traumatic stress disorder stifles the life force out of its victims. It is no use telling them to “come over” it’s because PTSD fundamentally changes the brain’s structure and alters its functionalities.

PTSD is painful and frightening. The memories of the event linger and victims often have vivid flashbacks. Frightened and traumatized, they are almost always on the edge and the slightest of cues sending them hurtling back in their protective shells. Usually victims try to avoid people, objects, and sites that remind them of their hurtful experiences; this behavior is debilitating and prevents them from living their lives meaningfully.

Many victims forget the details of the incident, obviously in an attempt to lessen the shock. Often this coping mechanism has negative repercussions as well. Without accepting and reconciling with “reality,” they turn into fragmented souls. When we are experiencing overwhelming volumes of data—especially information that takes an emotional rush—our bodies, minds and spirit adapt to help us get by. At times, the way we cope may help in the moment, but may cause longer term negative consequences. The emotional effects of Trauma are scattering some victims feel guilt for having more resources, and opportunities or they feel no matter how much the give is not enough, the feel hopeless about the future. Trauma victims often become angered, and resentful, even irritable and cynical. There are shifts in your thought pattern you see multiple perspectives or new solutions, you jump to conclusion, you’re thinking becomes rigid, your thoughts and actions become deliberate. You often imagine situations and circumstances that never happened. Often times your behavior changes you avoid, friends and family. You dread having anything to do with positive situations.  This effect has made you to be isolated and removed. Sometimes trauma victims turn to drugs and alcohol as an outlet to cope with the pain.

So often it’s hard to let go and allow the wounds of our past to heal us, so we hang on to the pain. Instead of allowing the wound to get air to heal, we often put a ban aide on top of it to protect it.  Sometimes ban aides have a way of keeping the wounds from healing and sometimes we become co-dependent on them.  What is your ban aide what is preventing you from healing and going ahead? Is there someone or something that is keeping you from moving forward? A ban aide simple design was to help the healing process, they weren’t meant to last forever.  Even though they keep the wounds protected sometime the wounds needs exposure to heal properly. I would like to say the healing process is easy, but it’s not.  Traumas are often past scares that were inflicted on us or self-inflicted wound that never seem to go away.  Have you released them or you willing to release them?   Are you clinging on to them for dear life because it’s your band aid? It’s what gets you through the tough times. There should be more in life to get you through than painful memories.

Oftentimes the very things we claim to desire to be free of we don’t want to be free from. We keep pulling at the scab we want it to fester.  We seek the familiar, because it’s easy. It’s more comfortable to have less than more than.  The fear of being made whole often scares you. I don’t actually know why though. Maybe the fear is that you will finally be detached. Being whole is defined as free of wound or injury (unhurt), recovered from a wound or injury (restored), free of defect or impairment, having all of its proper parts (complete).  A synonym for whole is “perfect”.  If I could physically prove to you something that is not whole, I would present to you a glass that has been shattered into many pieces or maybe a puzzle with one piece of it missing. Both of these instances have no value or use because they are worn out or incomplete.   People are just like this.  All of us are incomplete and some of us are like the glass.  Our lives have been torn into many pieces by sickness, death, trauma, depression, violence, addictions, or some other great trouble.

You are only as sick as the secrets you keep. The things you hold on to and refuse to let go, will eventually destroy you.  You have become comfortable in the mess. No one knows the true you, only the perception of who you have created to be you.  You are afraid of the genuine you.  You pretend to be someone because you feel as if no one will be empathetic toward you.  You long to belong, to be accepted, but you don’t know who to be. You don’t recognize what normal interaction is. So you make up fantasy based on a false reality.  You love the attention you get from lying because that is the only way you can get attention. So you make up little lies are half true, because others are sympathetic to your pain. The reality is lies have a way of catching up to us; they have a way of creating harm.

All victims have a kind of coping mechanism; they become codependent on something or someone. It’s easier to have a crutch to hold on to, than to seek the one that could help. Sometimes we have to be broken, often times God has to break us in order to use us or even save us from ourselves. Sometimes he uses other people to break us.   Yes, he allows bad things to happen to people. God wants your attention, your focus on him.  But often instead of turning to God we turn to substances or we turn to people to cure us.  The trouble with that is it only temporary. You need more than something temporary you need for it to be whole. An addict is only as good as his or her last fix. What is your fix what are you using to get through the traumatic events of your past? What’s your new high or rather who is your new high.  If it’s not God, then you will never be healed. If you don’t seek him, then you will be constantly looking for the next person or the next something to get you through. It’s hard submitting, and it’s even harder when you can’t find out the truth. When you have lived in a false reality you can’t discern fact from fiction or maybe you can but you cling to what you know because it’s easier. It’s easier to pretend to be something or somebody you aren’t, then faces the cold hard truth. That your life is a mess, and it’s out of control and that you are a failure. Your life is constantly spiraling out of restraint, you are like an emotional roller coaster, and you drain those you love, and who love you.

When we imagine of being whole, being healed some automatically think about health issues. Whole is a matter of harmony, body, soul, and spirit. Wholeness, however, is a matter of harmonizing body, soul, and spirit. It’s living every facet of life with purpose. When God breaks us, he does so with the purpose of putting us back together again better than before, and ultimately, so that we might be whole. You have the ability to overcome horrific trauma through God’s word. The hurt cannot be edited from your memory, but the after effects of this traumatic injury to your soul can be healed through letting God’s Word wash over you and through prayer with others.

Oftentimes, the soul’s healing is ignored in a traumatic event because we don’t recognize how to heal it. Many of us can’t conceive of God being that interested in us or that he would get that involved in our life. Or either you didn’t believe in the existence of God or the Bible. It is the last place many of us will look for help.  God has all the answers we seek. If you are worn out by the dead ends you have found in searching for relief and healing, give God and his word a chance. He is amazing and he welcomes all who come. No matter how skeptical you are, if you allow him an opening, he will prove to you that he is trustworthy. I know he loves you that much.

So often you have allowed the traumatic event to imprint into your soul. Your soul’s injury can be a type of Post Traumatic Shock. You may be reliving the event, triggered by a number of non-related circumstances, sounds or smells. Your soul is bringing back the event, and its difficult find healing in itself. I believe you can have a wonderful life beyond the traumatic event that you have been through. You must take all thoughts captive and find hope in God through the word for you to overcome this tragedy.

When we find ourselves broken, we must be really careful not to try to predetermine either the methodology or the timetable for our own recovery. God will reveal his plan and purpose to us step by step. Very seldom does he give insight into the total plan he has for us. We are called to trust him day by day by day. It may very well seem to us that we are wasting away daily, but if we will look beneath the surface to the inner work God is doing, we are actually growing and being strengthened day by day

If you are willing to turn to God and to submit completely to him and trust him with your life, an inner spiritual strength begins to develop that out shadows and outweighs anything happening in the physical realm. Sometimes our bodies are healed physically, sometimes not. But the important thing for is you heal your spirit for eternity. When God is at work in our life, we must realize the most valuable aspect of our true being. We also must recognize that no matter how long our struggle, our time trial is only temporary. Oftentimes, when we are broken, we limit our perspective on brokenness to the physical or emotional realm.

Even if we suffer an affliction or brokenness that lasts for years, even decades, what is that compared to all of eternity? You should keep perspective of what we are experiencing. No matter how bad things may look, if we submit our lives to God, he is at work creating something good and something lasting. He is getting to us whole, starting with the unseen spiritual dimension of our spirits. He is placing things back into their proper order: the spirit first, the soul second, the physical third.

God’s purpose is always accomplished ultimately at the spiritual level. Outer circumstances may or may not matter. They certainly change only according to God’s timing. Our role in times of brokenness is to submit not only to what God desires to do in our lives, but also to his timetable. Wholeness may not come quickly or easily, but it is worth the wait! Even though you have been born again in their spirits, you continue to live by force of habit and also by force of will according too old patterns. You experience things only on the surface, and you respond to life superficially.

When God saves your soul, you are made whole that very instant, that very hour.   Salvation is the free gift of God’s grace.  You don’t have to do something more or different.  God’s salvation is made to you freely and fully the instant you accept Jesus as your Savior.  There is spiritual growth that can be had after you are saved, but you are “whole” the moment that God saves your soul.

The Holy Spirit is at work in our lives. Our purpose is to bring HIM glory. Our greatest glory lies not in what we can achieve and practice on our own, but solely on what we allow the Lord to work in our lives so that we bring him glory. We can never know greater satisfaction or feel any greater acclaim than to lay our crowns at his feet and to be presented to him as a work in which there is no shame, fault, flaw, or darkness. We frequently lose sight of the fact that this life is preparation for the lifetime to come. The process is one of learning and growing and developing. It is a process of becoming whole. And when we return to God’s purposes, the process is one of becoming whole. When my will is eventually broken completely, then I belong to HIM heart, soul, mind, body, spirit. When that happens, my life is totally and completely his responsibility. I am his to do with as he pleases.

When God saves your soul, the salvation he gives you is “perfect”.  It is not of man’s righteousness that you are saved, but of the righteousness of Jesus.  This is why salvation is eternal.  It is not dependent on humanity and his goodness or his deeds, but it is furnished by the supreme sacrifice that Jesus earned on Calvary.  What God does, he does well.  The scripture didn’t say that these masses were just partially made whole and that it would just be good for so many days or months.  It said they were made perfectly whole.

What’s preventing you from being made whole?  Like the crippled man being in this scripture, have you been on life’s journey a long time, but your spirit is hollow and empty? When Jesus saw him lying there and knew he had already been there a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to get well?””  Then now is the time for you to call on Jesus and ask him to make your life whole.   And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed, and walked. Do you want to be healed, if so call on JESUS. He will heal you and deliver you.
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Heart Attack

Source: Heart Attack

Heart Attack

heart attak eve

21, August 2015 by n8tivegirl < all copyrights reserved>

Heart Attack

Preface:

The marriage, a heart beat that is strong and intense. It is three hearts beating in the same rhythm as one spirit. For you are no longer single individuals, but two souls working together and living as one. Sometimes we lose sight of everything. We are so close that we overlook the symptoms of a heart attack – for a hardened heart runs parallel to a heart attack.

“You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to the things that you don’t want to feel.” Johnny Depp

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Sometimes, more often than not, we harden our heart and allow anger to enter into it. We only care about winning the argument, and proving our point. We forget it’s not about starting a war, or proving whose is right is wrong – but communicating.  When we yell and scream we aren’t communicating.  What happens next? One person walks out feeling defeated and the other as if they have won the fight. But you haven’t, you actually have lost. You just can’t see the reality because your judgement is clouded by your so-called victory. It may appear as if your point was made, and that you won – but you haven’t. There are no winners, only losers – when love becomes a game. We need to remember that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak – and not anger easily. Because when we are quick to speak and slow to listen and get angry – everyone loses. We don’t always need to get our point across, to make sure that the other person knows that we are right.  In marriage, your spouse is not your enemy – he or she is an extension of yourself.  You can’t win a battle against yourself, and if you try – it will come at a cost.

So often in relationships and marriage, we forget the things of the Spirit. We think that because our point was made that the argument is over, but it isn’t. For if the emotions that are still there aren’t resolved, it causes one individual to begin distancing himself or herself. It causes them to put up walls that they don’t need to put.  It’s as if they feel like they need to protect themselves when they shouldn’t because how does one protect him or herself against itself? The two are one flesh and in the midst of it all you must remember marriage should not focus on the mundane and insignificant things of life.  It’s supposed to be an everlasting covenant of God in which you and your mate have entered.

Sadly, it’s easier to exit a relationship than to work on it. And so when the heart is hardened we close ourselves off to the important things. It’s as if we can’t see clearly. I often wondered what makes the heart harden, is it small things or just plain foolishness. What causes the ever widening distance that ultimately ends in divorce? Is it words spoken in haste that makes one feel like they have to get even – to now take something away from the other – because an emotional withdrawal was made from them? What excuse does one use to create distance? You have two people who now live in a house, but they don’t relate because both feel as if this ‘tension’ is not their fault but the other person’s. What has happen to the “for better or for worse”. Were they simply hollow words uttered without thought? There is a distance and an absence of love. Both have withdrawn, neither feels validated or appreciated. How does one get to this point? When did communication stop? When did God leave the relationship, or was He ever in there to begin with? Some may say it starts with feeling appreciated, or not feeling as an equal in a relationship – not valued. And instead of voicing your feelings in love to your mate, it builds up inside you. And then those small things that we allow to fester – begin to grow. Sometimes there are little foxes that come along and feed into the egos, those well-meaning friends and family who are outsiders in this covenant. Who often chose your side and make you feel as if you are right, and the spouse is wrong. And sometimes those external voices are louder and heeded more than the voice of God. As a result, one loses sight and forgets that it’s supposed to be about ‘Love’ – and keeping the promises you made to God, yourself – and your spouse. And so we think it’s easier to walk away than to fight for love – to say, “I will not allow the enemy to tear down my house.”

God states that a wise woman builds her house upon the Rock, but a foolish woman tears her’s down. The wise woman builds her house on His Word, which is the Rock; for it is the very foundation and cornerstone of any Godly relationship. And if this is indeed the case, in the midst of the storm she remembers that the two are one, and that her partner is simply angry and may say something that he shouldn’t have – and so she doesn’t take it personally. She remembers that love bears all things, it is not provoked, nor overly sensitive and easily angered – nor does it take into account a wrong endured. She knows that it is not him but the flesh in which dwells no good thing – and he knows the same about her. Marriage is a God idea and not a man or a world idea, But we often get caught up in what the world thinks, but the world opinions don’t matter – only that of God.  It’s can be easy to lose sight of one another, and it seems easy to throw in the towel and walk away. But it’s an investment and cost that far is more than you can imagine.

It is for this reason a man should leave his family and cleave to his wife, for the two shall be one flesh. It’s not easy to be angry at ones oneself.  It’s easy and tempting to find fault when the other person’s opinions vary from yours. But that is where love needs to step in, and where His Word must come to the forefront – reminding us to be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, precisely as in Christ God forgave us. We must first judge ourselves, and our own actions, and not make our word the final word for our mate. We must not judge them harshly or pass judgment on them on based on our feelings and opinion. That only makes it worse, we must simply think before we give judgment – and make sure it is only God’s Word and that we are sharing in love, not in anger or out of selfishness. A husband is to protect his wife. She is abide safely under his covering, for she is an extension of him – now spiritually of his flesh.  What each often fails to realize that no matter how hard the storms of life pound against the Rock, which is His Word – that it never returns void, and if they are willing – keeps them held together like glue. Together you can defend yourselves and not be overpowered, because you are as the three-strand cord that cannot be easily broken.  A truly Godly marriage, one built on the solid foundation which is Christ – will not put itself asunder. Only those that are of the world and were not constructed on His Word, but were simply the language of man and tradition – those will likely fall.

Marriage can be hard work, and some days life tries to make your spouse your enemy – when they aren’t. But if you hold steadfast to His Word, and your marriage is truly ordained of God, love will prevail.  You are both the bride of Christ and you should love your spouse as Christ loves the church.  Love is His greatest commandment to man and is mentioned 538 times! And that He desires us to love with all our heart. The heart is located in the center of the body, it is surrounded and protected by our ribs. So there is a very important reason why a rib was used to create woman, for the wife is the only person a man is to trust, because she protects his heart – it is safe with her – for she shall do him only good not evil, all the days of his life. The heart is a large muscle that supplies life giving blood to the entire body, just as His blood has paid for our sin debt – giving us new life. A life that is now filled with His love that lives in us and covers a marriage. A love that gives us strength to obey His word and keep His commandments – that keep our marriage together.  He that tells us to set Love as a seal upon our heart, as a seal upon our arm: for love is stiff as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the flashes thereof are flashes of flame, a very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it; if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, he would be utterly contemned.

So often we take for granted the things that matter the most. In a relationship, we become unappreciative and we forget  as wives we are to submit to our husbands, which includes honoring and obeying. Likewise, a husband’s job is to love us as Christ loves the church. His love for the church is constant and pure. Husbands are called to honor their wives, and find pleasure and satisfaction in her.  To provide for her needs physically, financially and spiritually – making sure she is well fed and washed with the Word, so as to present her spotless and blameless to our Lord. He is to defend her and protect her as just as Christ does the church. Marriage is a covenant, that like salvation, begins and ends with God – and His blessing on that covenant if the two have entered into it with understanding and a true heart’s desire for that lifelong bond. But if the two did not understand the covenant, and did not truly desire each other for life (being warned by the ‘pre wedding jitters’ – often God’s way of telling the woman “No!”) – the enemy will hardened their hearts and neither will honors the other, for they have not been true to themselves nor each other, and have not fulfilled the requirements of the covenant that God created.

Love requires an open and honest heart. A heart willing to accept love. One that is open to all the possibilities that come with love. It is God’s greatest gift to man. And like His love for us, the marriage covenant requires two people who are willing and love one another unconditionally. In contrast, a closed heart can’t receive love, it’s afraid of love.  A marriage is a covenant created God to entered into by a man and a woman. It’s a promise to submit to one another, even when your flesh interferes with your heart. Marriage is not two broken people joining together to make a whole. It’s two imperfect people becoming One, a desire He puts in our spirits. And if the union is approved by Him, your wife will be your soul mate – for she was chosen for you before the creation of the world. And then the blessings of love, and peace, and power that comes with being united to your soul mate, well nothing can compare to it. Two whole people have come together as one, each realizing their spouse is their equal. Both chosen by God to help the other walk in the purpose that God has for your life. Where as divorce is just the fruit of a man-made marriage that God did not put together. Whoever God has joined together, they are part of His purpose, for He knows that the two will fulfill His purpose. And He always has a greater purpose. A God ordained marriage is not just a partnership or solely for companionship – the purpose is far greater. It is a supernatural unity, a spiritual bond. The force that binds you together is deeper than any basic human instinct.  It’s an intimate bond between you and your creator and your spouse. And you are forever, eternally joined as one flesh.

God wants to build a home. God wants to build a home for both of you and bind you together. So what must you do when you are angry and because you have been hurt. You must learn that the more you love Jesus the more you will love your mate. And then your focus is not on what they did, but on the fact that God loves you unconditionally, just as you are to love your spouse. God expects you to keep the vows you make. He can’t entrust you with other things if you don’t have the integrity to keep your vows. But when two people are faithful, true love is found in the one completes you and makes you feel as if you belong, and all is right with the world.

We know forgiveness is a cornerstone of the Christian faith. In the model prayer the Lord gave us, He tells us that we need to forgive others just as we need God to forgive us. On the cross, Jesus asked the Father to forgive the people who were crucifying Him, even as they mocked him and watched him die. Which we need to remember when we have been deeply hurt, and the idea of forgiving someone may feel like we’re being required to tear our heart, and give it the very person who just trod on it. Then, we either offer a perfunctory, “I forgive you,” while yet holding the bitterness in our hearts, or we harden ourselves – physically and emotionally walking away.

When we’ve been deeply wronged, something inside yearns for justice. If we don’t forgive, our desire for justice becomes revenge, subjecting us to the bondage of bitterness and self-righteousness. When we don’t truly choose to forgive, the justice we seek is for the other person to feel our pain. True forgiveness takes place when we release our pain, willing to let it go –  and acknowledging that our spouse, who like us is a flawed human creature, is most likely doing the very best he or she can with the limited resources at that time in their emotional, mental, and spiritual arsenal. When we anchor our hearts along the sway of God’s love, the pardon of our spouse enables us to free our pain – placing it into God’s healing hands. As grace then shatters the threat of growing bitterness, it plants the seeds of a more familiar relationship – one founded on and rooted in His love. Husband and wife experience the fresh rush of freedom and the ability to fully enjoy the God given blessing of each other once again.

mfclogo

John Waller – The Marriage Prayer w/Lyrics – YouTube

www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4_sfgjRcfI

The marriage prayer song- lyric

Father, I said till death do us part
I want to mean it with all of my heart
Help me to love You more than I love her
Then I know I can love her more than anyone else

And bring her in Your presence today
Make her what You want her to be

I pray to hear her heart
I pray she’ll love You more
I pray to cherish and serve her
And we’ll bring You glory today, I pray
I pray

Father, I said till death do us part
I want to mean it with all of my heart
Help me to love You more than I love him
Then I know I can love him more than anyone else

And bring him in Your presence today
Make him what You want him to be

I pray to hear his heart
I pray he’ll love You more
I pray to strengthen and serve him
We’ll bring You glory today, I pray

Lord, help me love her
As You love the church, Your bride
Help me submit to him
As I submit to You, my life

I pray to hear her heart
I pray he’ll love You more
I pray to cherish and serve her
We’ll bring You glory today, today

I pray to hear her heart
I pray she’ll love You more
I pray to cherish and serve her
We’ll bring You glory today
I pray, I pray

This is my prayer
Amen

GROUND ZERO-SUICIDE AND DOMESTIC ABUSE

Ground Zero

24 July 2015 by Gods glory Copyright protected, all rights reserved

Love the way you Live

by Enimem &Rhiana
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright,
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don’t know why I’m still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you’ll always be my hero
Even though you’ve lost your mind

 

Ground zero, is what occurs when we don’t pay attention and lose focus on the important things, it is what goes on when the enemy enters into our house and destroys us from the inside out. We have unwelcomed guests that we have no control over in the natural, only in the spiritual. What he brings with him is chaos, destruction and often death. Prepare for the fallout, because he won’t be happy until he has destroyed the very thing you love which is ‘Your Family’.

 

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

 

After the enemy has attacked, the debris and rubble is all that’s left standing. There are casualties of this attack. There are so many victims, with unknown faces and unheard voices, and various stories of what happened and why we were attacked. But at the end of the day, the truth of the matter is – no one knows the true story – they can only assume why it happened and who is to blame. When the blame in this sorted affair is bigger than all of those involved, an it ended with two dead and a family full of wounded victims – who cares for the victims left behind? Who’s going to tell them that they are not to blame for the actions of their parents? That when there was a prospect for freedom, neither one of them was willing to work out. It was all or nothing in their game of war. Sometimes we take hostages and sometimes they survive, but often times they don’t. And even if they do, they carry around battle scars that are carved so deep into their soul – that only a Savior can deliver them from that pain of their past.

 

I can’t tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there’s a steel knife in my windpipe
I can’t breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight
High off her love, drunk from her hate,
It’s like I’m huffing paint and I love her the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it.
“Wait! Where you going?”
“I’m leaving you!”
“No you ain’t. Come back.”
We’re running right back.
Here we go again
It’s so insane cause when it’s going good, it’s going great
I’m Superman with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane
But when it’s bad it’s awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
Who’s that dude?
“I don’t even know his name.”
I laid hands on her, I’ll never stoop so low again
I guess I don’t know my own strength

 

No one knows what it’s like when you’re at ground zero, that you have nothing to lose. All your cards are on the table and death is the only option – because you feel as if you have lost everything already. So there is nothing to fear. Death doesn’t scare me, because either I go to heaven or I go to hell. But a life without you and without love, now that is terrifying! You ask me to let you go, and that you want to leave me. NO! I have nothing if I lose you. So I rage and attack, I have to take you out before you leave me. What does one do when they are down to nothing and they are about to lose everything. Sure you can take out the enemy, but what people don’t realize is that the enemy is an extension of oneself. And if I kill you – I’ve killed a piece of me. And then I’d have nothing more to live for, because half of me would be dead. At ground zero, when I’m waging an attack against the enemy – the worst  part – is that the enemy is me.

 

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
You say he’s to blame, and that he should have walked away or should have asked for help. Or that she’s to blame and should have known when to let go. But the reality is, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. No one knows the whole truth – only the walls and the people who lived inside our home. You could try to figure things out by what’s written on paper, the medical reports the police reports. But the truth of the matter is – no one really knows why she stayed or why he stayed – or why neither walked away? All we can do is just guess and make presumptions. The only ones left to tell the story are the children, who sadly are now damaged by the aftermath of the fallout. No one cared enough to spare them of this nightmare.

 

They were just innocent victims in their parent’s war.
Now there’s gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
And this tug of war, you’ll always win
Even when I’m right.
‘Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it’s sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

 

Today, they are now the victims – of both society, and their grandparents who are now blaming each other for their kids, the parents of these now wounded children. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it. Just as you can teach a child right from wrong, but you can’t force them to choose the right path. But if you truly raise a child in the way they should go, in the end they will not depart from it. So who is to say that we didn’t? Did we forgot to lay the foundation, or did they simply chose to ignore it. Sometimes in life, we get so caught up in the mundane day-to-day things, that we forget that all important foundation. So here we are – at ground zero – everyone pointing fingers and victims lying wounded around us.

 

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you’re with ’em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit ’em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills you used to get ’em
Now you’re getting fucking sick of looking at ’em
You swore you’d never hit ’em; never do nothing to hurt ’em
Now you’re in each other’s face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other’s hair, scratch, claw, bit ’em
Throw ’em down, pin ’em

 

One parent cries, “God, get my children out of here, I don’t want them to see me this way. I don’t want to die in front of them”. And the other screams, “Lord, please forgive.” These are the cries that everyone will remember, and most of all – the kids. You were present when they took their first breath, and your kids will be there when you both take your last breath. They are the moments in time forever inscribed in our minds and hearts. But the kid’s memories will be sullied, for now they question why no one helped them, and why they were threatened. You told them if anyone heard about what happens behind closed doors – they would be beaten, or taken away from their parents. So they became a prisoner of the war between you and your spouse. They’ve never enjoyed knowing what it means to be a child. You said you loved them, but did you really? Love doesn’t force you to keep secrets. If someone does, then it’s not love – it’s hate. For love and hate may both involve intense emotions – but that’s where the similarity ends.
So lost in the moments when you’re in them

It’s the rage that took over,
It controls you both
So they say you’re best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don’t know you ’cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it’s a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don’t get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that’s why they call it window pane

 

So here we at ground zero, standing in the rubble, as they take away the victims of the war. It’s hard when a parent decides that he or she won’t let the other go, and instead decide to keep the children hostage. They feel like they can’t live without the other. So they decide if they can’t have the other, then no one else can either – so death becomes the answer – and they selfishly take their own lives. Not thinking of the victims left behind and the wounds that they will leave them, only wondering if they were to blame. There are also the most tragic times when those who are most evil murder the whole family. But in my case, they only killed one another. My grandparents only know one side of the story, the one that each of my parents told them. But neither knows the whole truth, just the endless variations floating around – two being ‘He said she threatened to keep the kids from him’ and ‘She said he threatened to kill her if she left.’ With all the numerous lies mixed with partial truths leaving the kids as pawns in this game of war. A mind game of who can manipulate who the best. Who is the best at bluffing in this high stakes game of poker, and at what cost are you willing to play the game? Unfortunately, what neither truly ever realized – is that along with the kids, they too were pawns in a game that is bigger and larger than they are. It’s a game that has lived on for thousands of years. Where both see one another as the enemy, but neither is the real enemy – because he hides cleverly behind them watching them, and moving them almost at will across the board – pawns in this human game of chess. Neither realizes that they could both be saved if they only asked, but neither does because the dark enemy has them convinced that the other is the threat. So the war continues, when a simple cry for help to the One who created them could have ended the game.

 

 

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie!
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

 

The beginning of this attack started with a threat and frightened young ears hearing, “This is 9-1-1, what is your emergency?” The child’s voice responded, “Help, my momma has a gun. Please help me, my daddy also has a gun. They are threatening to shoot down one another –  please help us.” The poor innocent child, scared to death of both parents – thinking both of them have lost their minds. The child wants to keep daddy from shooting mommy, or momma from shooting daddy, or them both killing each other – only they can’t. They’re just a causality of war, a victim in this drive by shooting – hoping and praying that they don’t get shot as well. But they were shot way before these real bullets were placed in the parent’s guns. They have been wounded thousands of times by equally deadly bullets – words of abuse. We may see the physical wounds of victims of domestic violence, but we don’t see the internal wounds and scars that are hidden. You can’t see them with a naked eye, they’re buried deep in the person’s soul. They alone experience them when they manifest in the natural as their child grows into an adult. And if he or she if not careful, if they are not protected – they will become an abuser themselves. It’s not their fault, it’s ours – because we didn’t save them. We stood on the outside looking in, passing judgement, but we didn’t cross into enemy territory. We should have crossed the line.

 

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin’ up
In smoke with all our memories

 

So now that 911 have been called and everyone has been dispatched it’s too late. Where were you yesterday or the day before? Where were you when they needed you? You were busy living your own lives too busy to be bothered, or busy gossiping about what you thought might be going on. You heard the screams you saw the bruises, but no one tried to save them.

 

It’s morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you’re awfully sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
That we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky

 

Many times we make the mistake of praying for God to keep something together that wasn’t meant to be. Many times, in the mist of all the commotion, we look to blame someone for what happen – but you can’t. They were under attack themselves, and they couldn’t see the force that was attacking them spiritually. There are things that the carnal eye cannot see, that only the spiritual eye can discern. When one is under a spiritual attack, often he or she doesn’t know where to run or who to turn to. You look to heaven, but the answers aren’t coming as fast as you want or need them. Somewhere in the middle of ground zero, God is there and waiting on you to call his name. But often times we don’t – maybe out of fear maybe, or out of shame. He has been and will always be with us, always. Some may ask, “Why didn’t God stop the nightmare?” His answer would be, “I gave man free will. He always has the choice to make the decision – yes or now. But so many times he chose his will – not My perfect will.” As we look around, pointing blame in the middle of the aftermath, there is a stranger hovering over everything. He is looking at the casualty. God knew the struggles, He knows the story, and he had hope that it would have ended differently – but it didn’t. You only see the fallout from it all, but He was there when she was wounded. He held their hands and told them that death is not the final chapter – and that He was there to take His beloved child home.

 

Together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’?
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
But together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counsellin’
This house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
With you I’m in my f-ckin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

 

God’s message in the middle of it all, is that, “Your loved one is home with Me. They are at peace and there are no more tears, no more pain.” It’s the kind of peace that only the great I AM can give – and it’s far beyond your imagination and human comprehension. I was there at the beginning, and I was there at the end. I was there when they took their first breath, for I AM the breath of life, I AM the true vine. I was there when they took their last breath, and what looks like a tragic ending to all those who are now left standing – is not. You see, in the midst of everything, I AM still on the throne. I knew it would end this way, but there was nothing I could do. I gave man free will and the ability to choose from right and wrong. But the evil one who imitates Me, appearing as an angel of light – pitted a man against a woman in this war – in an effort kill and destroy. So you see, the war is fat bigger than what you see. Everyday it’s a fight, and everyday there are casualties. But the way to avoid being a victim – is to be the victor through Me. Chose Me, chose life – and allow Me to write your story with a happy ending.

 

Now I know we said things, did things that we didn’t mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper’s just as bad as mine is
You’re the same as me
When it comes to love you’re just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn’t you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed, I’ll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won’t be no next time!
I apologize even though I know its lies
I’m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im’a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I’m just gonna

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

 

There is a war on families to destroy them. It’s a spiritual attack that has been going on for years. But few know how to defeat the enemy, and the ones that do are often frozen in fear. We have been given the authority and dominion over the enemy, yet we are too afraid to walk in that authority. We are afraid to call on the One who created us – and pull down the strongholds that the prince of the air puts on us. So wars continue to go on and on, because no one knows how to fight an enemy that he or she can’t see. How does one begin to fight when you don’t know who or what you are fighting? You get down on your knees and you pray, that’s how. And you ask the Lord to deliver you or to heal the other person. God is our redeemer, our sustainer, our peace. So we pray for the survivors of violence, abuse and neglect – for Him to give them peace. There are many places in this world and many people who do not experience Your peace Lord. Right now there are many, many women and children who live under the dark weight of the fear of violence – right in their own homes. We pray for protection and for wisdom for our friends and officials to help bring the needed protection to them. We pray for the many men who themselves feel powerless and confused about their relationships. We ask that You would help them find healthy ways to work out their frustrations and to find hope, without resorting to destructive impulses. Lord God, work in our country to stem this epidemic. Be with them in confusion and pain. Give Your power to the powerless, Your fullness to the empty of spirit. Heal their wounds, free them from fear and restore them to true health. Strengthen them to face the future with faith in You. We ask this through Jesus Your Son, Who was Himself a victim of abuse – and yet in His resurrection, triumphed over the oppression. Likewise, God of justice, Judge of all the earth, we bring before You those who abuse and mistreat others. Turn the hearts of the exploiters from the way of evil. Open their eyes to the truth of their conduct and fill them with remorse for the damage they have done. And so, by Your Spirit, bring them to true repentance and amending of their lives. And now Lord, may Your Spirit draw us together, both in our church family, and in the community. May we face our mistakes with complete honesty, and preserve us from hurtful speculation and gossip. Help us reach out, care for the hurting, and to support each other. We ask that You strengthen us with the gospel of Your grace, and for Your perfect peace in all our lives, in the precious name of Jesus Christ we pray, Amen.

mfclogo

 

Aftermath- children’s story of domestic abuse

Aggressive man attacking woman --- Image by © 3photo/Corbis

10, July 2015  n8tivegirl

How does one rebuild after a war, when there is so much desolation and  deprivation in the land? How do you rebuild and begin again, when you look around and there are constant reminders of the battle you fought. The victims of war vary in ages, for war doesn’t care how young or old one may be. How do you explain to the innocent casualties of war, the children – that they will be okay? That the reign of terror has ceased and that there is now peace in the land. That they have won, and that they were not defeated by the giants in the land.

I am a silent victim of such a war, and I want to tell you my story about what I saw and how I survived. Everyone overlooks the children of war. The focus is usually on our parent’s story, not ours. But I was there, I know the ugly truth. I know what went on behind closed doors, and I the screams that awakened me at night are still fresh in my mind. Although we have moved forward and one parent has gone his or her own way, the scars still remain with me. These scars that I carry inside me just didn’t appear over night, they were etched into my soul over time, years that seemed to go on forever.

The innocent now live to tell the tale, to narrate how they survived being prisoners of war in their parent’s hostile worldly marriage. Because even though they can now breathe again, and know they are safe – there is still the hidden story that remains – the unseen scars they carry within their soul. You see, no one knows this side of the story, because they were just an innocent bystander in the midst of a war.  A war of two people who bought them here to be victims in a land they should have never known.

As a child, you keep wondering if your parent, the one you ended up with – is stupid or just plain crazy? Why not leave or pack us up and run away? I could never figure out why you stayed. Parents love to use children as the excuse to stay in a relationship. But you didn’t stay for me, you stayed for yourself! As a young adult I now wonder if was it the sex, or the auguring, or maybe even the beatings? Something in it was working for you, if not, you would have left long before it got so bad. What made you love me less than you loved yourself? It was all about you, your needs, your wants – not mine. If I was important to you and if you truly loved me, you would have left after the first blow. I often question and ask myself is this love, is this what marriage all about? Am I to be disrespected and abused by another person? Is that how you show that you love someone? Because sadly, this is the only example of love that I have. So in time, will I myself become the silent beaten victim?

Yes, I am a victim. And like all victims I strive to regain some sort of normalcy in my life. I don’t recognize my self-worth, because in the midst of all the turmoil I sat in silence and wondered if this horror story I was watching was love. Is this really what I have to look forward to? Will I be another young girl who marries young to escape from home, who becomes pregnant and marries someone just like my father? Will I be the women who is constantly seeking love, who is in and out of so many relationships because she is forever seeking yet never finding true unconditional love? The love I didn’t receive growing up because the two people who should have loved me the most had checked out. They were too busy fighting and arguing to care about me and my brothers and sisters. We were the silent victims, we didn’t matter.

Who gives a damn about us anyway. Our voices go unheard, for in the midst of their war – we were just pawns used in the battle. If we didn’t agree with the parent who was the Colonel or General, then we’d pay the price later – after all it’s war. It’s a never ending struggle trying to be perfect and struggling to pretend to be happy so no one will ask you what’s going on. To dwell in a home where two people are at war you become very good at playing charades. You know exactly how to pretend to be happy, and not to cry, when someone questions you about your life at home – you learn how to lie. You become a very good liar. And for all of this I have my parents to thank – they taught me very well.

A girl should never see her dad hit her mom or her mom verbally demean and abuse her father. That is not the image of love. Love often comes at a cost, and sometime there are sacrifices, but children should never be one of the weapons used in a game of war. Parents think that she or he doesn’t know what’s going on. That they don’t hear the bickering and see the bruises that each of them tried to hide. What a parent doesn’t realize is that we do know, and it hurts. In fact the wounds are so deep that you will never know the true extent of the damage that you have caused the ones you say you love. And as hard as you try, pretending to care and telling others that you tried to protect us – there was no shield, we were not protected at all – and now the damage has been done.

There are small pieces of my soul that are forever damaged.  Because every negative remark about one parent to the other is an attack against me. When Daddy says that Mommy is a whore, then that makes part of me think that I am too. When Mommy says that Daddy is no good, well them I am no good as well. As a result, deep inside there are parts of our spirit that feel we aren’t worth anything. We don’t know our value because the two people who claim to love us, have not only failed to protect us – they are the one’s that have wounded us! And so these child victims go out into the world as damaged people. Some get married at an early age to escape a home with an overbearing parent. Some seek love and acceptance in all the wrong places. And all of this is the aftermath of a war that they didn’t ask to be a part of, never!

Picture if you can, a war zone where there are innocent children in the midst of rubble. These children are innocent victims of the war. They didn’t ask for war to come into the land but it did. They don’t know where to turn, or who to run to – because there is no safe place to hide. For in a very real sense – both parents have now become the enemy. Mommy says it was all Daddy’s fault, Daddy says it was all Mom’s. But the truth is that it was both of them. So I walk through the rubbish trying to find my way, trying to find some peace with the cards that life has dealt me. As a child growing up not knowing love, only hate – you often wonder if you are to blame for their unhappiness. Because these people who proclaim to love you also proclaim to have once loved each other. So if that’s true, it makes you wonder if you had not been born would their story not have been different?

When we become adults, we often wonder if we will repeat our parent’s mistakes? Will I be more like her or will I be more like him? I’m hoping neither. Will I marry someone just like him, or just be another bitter angry woman with relationship issues – blaming all men just because of one man? I ask myself will I forever have post traumatic stress disorder from the battle I endured, or one day will I be set free? This war that you two included me in, has left wounds in me that fester below the skin. And these unseen scars, that you two caused – can’t be fixed by either of you. And what makes matters worse, you both would talk about God and make me pray – but why didn’t He answer my prayers and deliver me from the two of you?! I didn’t deserve this, I didn’t ask to be born in a nation where we had to deal with bums masquerading as parents and with the minefields they laid inside my own home. So many days I suffered in silence. Because whether or not there was peace in the land that day, depended on who was winning. But regardless, you come to realize that the sun will rise again, and that you will survive the terror of yet another raid in your home that night. So often, peace does come in the morning.

I feel as if my childhood was destroyed by the war, all my memories aren’t the happy memories that most children my age have of a normal family. I lived through so much destruction and pain. I could hear you both yelling and screaming, and it was like the sound of thunder and lightening throughout the house. I remember hugging Mommy saying, “You’ll be okay, don’t cry”. Or saying to Daddy, “I’m sorry Mommy hurt you”. I’ve even dodged glasses being thrown by one or the other. These are things that children should never have to experience. I have lived in war so long that the idea of being normal is just an idea. I see my friends with two parents who actually love them and act normal. And when we talk, I pretend to understand, but I really have no concept of what it’s like to live in a house where people love one another.

We’ve become experts at lying – my siblings and I. We’ve learned that the ‘family business’, is just that – and we don’t share the secrets that go on behind closed doors with anyone. When other adults ask how we are, we have learned to smother our emotions and say, “Oh just fine” – even though we aren’t, because on the inside we are all torn up. I never asked for this, I didn’t choose this, but this is my life. When Grandma or Papa ask how we are, we immediately put on a happy face and say something cheerful, because if we don’t – well lets just say that the victims of war are severely punished for telling the truth. Who knew that free will and speaking the truth, the latter which is supposed to set you free, is not free at all – because it has consequences and comes at a cost. So even though the war is now over, and I can’t wait to escape off to school, my fear is that my sisters and brothers may not be able to survive the aftermath. Because the war we lived through has caused damage to all of us that is pretty severe. So I pray that there is a God, and that He will save them. And hopefully save me too.

As you look out to see if the land is now safe, you wonder and ponder over many things. You wonder if there is a God and why does He allow bad things to happen to good people, especially children? You never knew about sin, you’re just a kid – so all you feel is that you’re being unfairly punished. I feel as if I have lived in hell, because there sure wasn’t any peace on earth in my house. I often question God as to why I was born into this family with these people? A family who doesn’t know how to show love or communicate in a loving manner. A house where there is only anger and abuse. I ask why me, and God’s answer is, “That was not my desire for you, nor my perfect will for your life. But I gave your parents ‘Free Will’ as I have given you. So hopefully you will make better choices and treat your kids better than your parents did when you grow up.” And then I realized that there is a lesson in the middle of all this despair – and it is to trust GOD.

He then said to me, “My beloved child,  before the foundation of the earth was formed, I knew your story. You are the fingerprint of Me in the flesh. This war you were in is just the beginning of a story. It does not define who you are or who you are going to be. I know the ending of your story. And even through all the tears and the pain, you are still Mine. The scars that you carry in your spirit and soul are only temporary reminders of this time. But soon all will be forgotten. I chose you for this journey because I knew you were strong enough to endure the battle. You were never a mistake, for before you were even formed, I had already knew the map of your life – from beginning to end. Your parents were just vessels that will propel you into your destiny. Your story will be a happy one filled with love. But first I must heal all the broken places inside you created by the war. And I need to show you what love is and what it means to be loved.

My child lay your head upon my chest and allow me to carry you and show you your life. You see those moments when you didn’t think I existed, I was protecting you and your siblings, I put a shield around you so that you couldn’t see the worst of times. And those dreams you had about your future, they weren’t the typical make-believe dreams – they were from Me – because I needed to show you what the future held.  But before we can move forward My beloved, I need you to forgive your parents. I know it’s hard and that you are angry with them. But don’t blame them, they didn’t know Me and did the best they could. You see, the enemy wants to destroy them – and you! But I have better plans for you, but you need to forgive them so that you can teach others who I Am – and help them heal as well. You are my beloved, whom I love. Trust Me, for you are truly well loved. So close your eyes and rest now, the war is over.”

I was stunned when He had finished speaking to me, but felt at peace, and for the first time in my life I felt safe, and I felt loved. At first I wasn’t sure what to do next, but then I knew – I needed to pray, to talk to my Heaven Father. “God, thank you for protecting us in the midst of that war, thank You for ending the battle and bringing peace to the land. Thank You for saving us and protecting us. We witnessed so much violence and sorrow, but in the midst of it all – You were there to shield us and prevent us from being destroyed. You protected us from more than we will ever know. Heavenly Father, please touch our hearts as well as our souls – renew our minds and teach us what real love is. Heal us from all the experiences that bought shame and guilt and confusion. Surround me with Your light Jesus, and penetrate the very depths of my being with that light. Let no areas of darkness remain in me nor in my sisters or brothers, but transform our whole being with the healing light of Your love. Open me completely to receive Your love Jesus, in Your precious name I pray, Amen.”

BATTLEFIELD II – HIS STORY OF DOMESTIC ABUSE

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25, MAY 2013 BY N8TIVEGIRL

Few have experienced the mind games she plays with me. It’s like she’s holding a loaded gun to my head.  She often threatens to take the children from me. Or pretends to have hurt herself, so that people will think I have hit her. But I haven’t, I would never hit her. As much as I would like to at times, I wouldn’t.  My parents always told me, “ Boys don’t hit girls. Period.” The problem is not that I  believe that – but that she knows that I believe that – so she is able to tear me down with her verbal abuse – knowing she is safe from any physical harm, that I would never hit her. She calls me every foul name in the book. Her profanity would make a sailor blush. She tells me that no woman would want me, that I am scum and that she hates me – that I should feel lucky that I have her. These scars from mental abuse are the hidden scars carved into a person’s soul. Their pain and depression are constantly with you. The mind games she plays just tear you down until you feel there is nothing left of who you were – and no one knows.  The black eyes and the scratches I can always lie about, but my soul doesn’t have a voice that anyone can hear – even though it screams out for help everyday. It get’s to be so hard lying to yourself and to others all the time, pretending things are okay when they aren’t. Sometimes all you can do is cry. And I cry a lot these days.

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https://firstadam.wordpress.com/2015/05/28/battlefield-ii/

 

BATTLEFIELD

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21,APRIL 2015 < BY GODS GLORY>

Battlefields of the mind, it’s like a game of war to see who will win. To find out who is the strongest and who can or will endure. I’ve adapted, or rather I should say – I’ve acquired the skills needed in this contest that I’ve taken on. It’s almost like a game of charades, but more so – it’s masquerade. Or maybe it’s a little of both, one present and one hiding.

I’ve become an expert at lying and pretending, and covering up when I shouldn’t. I’ve become insecure and timid. Because I know the price of having a voice and the cost of being silent, with the voice inside me ever screaming to be heard. But it knows that quiet sometimes has it’s own reward, especially when you are furious. I know how to keep quiet, and if you’ve been drinking – I try my hardest to be invisible, but I know in reality that I can’t hide.  I can’t hide, even though I want to. You tell me how I’m nothing, and how I was trash. How you made me into who I am. You threaten me with poverty as if I’d never experienced it before. But what hurts more than your words – are the mind games you play. I know your goal is to break me, to destroy me. But you can’t. Or at least I hope you can’t.

No one knows the beatings I’ve endured, some say it’s like when a prisoner of war is tortured and you develop a dual personality as a means of survival. The scars underneath my makeup are the hidden scars.  But the ones so deep inside my soul – makeup can’t hide those – and no one can understand them, unless they’ve endured the same hell.  Because after every beating and every fight, you say, “I’m sorry” – and then have the balls to tell me that you love me. Then I feel guilty and confused, because I want to leave – but then I remember your threats, so I stay.  So I endure this endless torture that my soul knows this isn’t love. It can’t be!

My momma asks why we don’t come over for Sunday dinners any more? The reason is that I’m too ashamed for her to know the truth. It would kill her if she knew. My sister suspects, but I deny it and accuse her of being paranoid. She sees the traces of the scars left behind. My friends see the injuries, but I just deflect their questions – I can’t handle those questions. But the worst of all – is that our baby notices how mommy has changed, that I’m not my old self. I’m this new version of me.  Have you ever had to explain why you are lying on the floor in a pool of blood to your child? Or why there are choke marks around your neck where someone has left his fingerprints? Have you ever tried running away only to be found the next day? Because if you thought the last beating was bad, the one you are about to get for running away is going to be the mother of all beatings. Or have you ever been kicked or spat on as if you were trash on the street? It’s hard, almost impossible to regain one’s self-esteem through all of this.

When people talk of fear I wonder if they’ve ever had someone place a loaded gun to your head and say, “Bitch, if you say anything, let out as much as a peep – and I’ll kill you.” Only to find out that this time it’s a game of Russian roulette, except without a bullet – but the next time, there might be one. War games are mind games. All you can do is pray that it’s stops. Being held hostage isn’t a joke. The reality is that a hostage knows their freedom comes at a cost. And I know my price is death, or at least that’s my hope, as sad and pathetic as that is.

I hear people say you have that I need to save myself, but the truth is that you first have to actually ‘want’ to save yourself. Do I really want to live is the question that resonates in my mind?  I moved from my parent’s home to college, then from the sorority house to the matrimonial home – and being a prisoner of war. If I had to do over again, I would have listened when my mother who said, “If you are not unequally yoked, you will never have to compromise your values.” Because compromise, always comes at a price.  And now I’m paying the price, but this isn’t the price she was referring to. Lord knows she has no idea about what was truly going on.

I feel like a pig who is being slathered to barbeque slowly. I’d rather just be shot – please just kill me and get it over with – and maybe I’ll find some peace. But who says death is peaceful? Because somehow I feel as if you would probably haunt me there too. I tried suicide because I thought it would be easier, but even that was a cruel joke. I even got cheated out of death. The pills didn’t work, hell they didn’t even ease the pain. It’s hard praying and asking God to just let you die. You want to know that this pain that you keep hidden, within the silences of your own house, would finally come to an end. But God won’t let you die. Why? Because you have to escape – to tell your story! To save your child and to save others. Even though you think death still seems like a reward, especially when you are living in this hell – it isn’t. So I can’t let her see me lying in a coffin,  thinking this is what real love is. I still have time to save her! So I pray. You pray and you hope.
It’s hard trusting a man when you’ve been hurt by one. I never thought I’d end up here. I should have seen the signs when we were dating. You wanted to control everything, from the way I dress to who my friends were. I thought it was love, that you were so in love with me that you just didn’t want to share me with the world. Because when little girls dream of their prince charming, their happily ever after, she never thinks she will be at war in her own home with her husband – the very person who said he would love her ‘until death do us part’. Hmmm, sometimes I think it might take my dying to get out of this hell. I never dreamed that the person I prayed for night after night would turn me into his prey, his prisoner. God, I ask you – am I not worthy of love? What did I do in my life that was so bad that I deserved this?
The ‘Battlefield of the Mind’ affects people you don’t think it would. My daughter thinks it’s normal. But it’s not – my normal isn’t normal.  If I don’t leave, this will forever affect her relationships also? I don’t want her to think this is normal. This is not of God, it’s of the devil. Her Dad is ill, and he needs help, and now – so do I. Because this disease is very dangerous. The same force it takes to break a person’s spirit could be used to build it. But when love has left the building, all you have is desperation and regrets. I realize that my prayers, even the ones whispered and muffled through the pain and tears were heard by Him. God paid the price, He was beaten for my transgressions. He said that I am loved and that I am  worthy of His blood. He said that our enemies are sometimes in our own home. But He also said that He would make a foot stool out of them.

This isn’t the love story He choose for me. I choose my ‘Caesar’ husband, I was young and naive and impressionable. I thought I knew what love was, but I was wrong. I didn’t realize who he really was. True love is patient and it is kind. It’s never jealous or judgmental. Real love does not want to hurt you, true love comforts and protects and blesses. It’s so easy to settle for something or someone you know. Especially when you’ve never experienced true love or haven’t ever observed a relationship of true Godly love to base it on. But I do realize this – that  love conquered the grave for me and that the ultimate price was paid. He was beaten for all my sins so that I wouldn’t have to be beaten. He loved me enough to die for me so that I wouldn’t have to die for love.
My Father told me it was time to spread my wings and leave. He told me to get ready for battle and to put on the whole armor. To gird my loins with truth. And the truth is that he has beaten me for the last time. He told me to put on the breastplate of righteousness, and the helmet of salvation. He said. “You see My daughter, you are not fighting against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers that rule the darkness. So My beloved, guard yourself with the shield of faith, and take up the sword of My Spirit, which is My Word. And I will protect you, I’ve got your back with My Glory as you move forward in victory.”

My Father said that my soon to be ‘Ex’ needs healing, and love that I can’t give him. It’s a supernatural love and a supernatural healing that only He can provide. So as I walk away from you with my freedom, I pray that you find the peace you need. And that God takes away the anger and rage that lies within you. For even though our love story was hell on earth, I will forever be changed for the better because of my experience. I don’t hate you, because hating you gives you power over my future. But forgiveness and love gives me power to move on and to be able to be loved unconditionally – the way my Father intended. Somewhere out there is someone who has been praying for someone like me to love and adore. But I have to be whole and complete, and that starts with the Father – and forgiving my enemy. So as an act of my will, I say this before God – “I forgive you for hurting me.” You didn’t break my spirit, you forced me to find my Father and return home. I am a survivor. And the lesson is this – that we all can use what the enemy meant for harm, and instead let our heavenly Father use it as a platform to create something good for us. For it is written, “No weapon formed against you shall prosper!”

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY

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17,APRIL 2017 BY N8TIVEGIRL

I just wanted to die. I should have known by the look on her face. What she had to tell me would forever change my life. I never completely understood momma warning me to wait until I get married.  But right now, all I feel is grief and anger. My dreams have been stolen and I am only 20! The dream that all young girls carry, of a knight in shining armor, 2.5 kids, the house and the white picket fence – all gone in a flash. I won’t have those things, and besides – who will want me when the truth is revealed.

He was so good looking, I remember his scent, and waking up in his arms. My first time making love, being an adult, away from my parents and their rules. Their guidance, and my mother preaching to me about waiting until I get married to have sex. They said if I didn’t, there would be consequences. I never thought of the consequences. I only thought of the freedom, of being grown up, and not having to listen to their stupid rules. I thought moms came up with those ridiculous reasons as to why not to have sex because it feels sooooooo good. My friends joke and say it’s like when God told Adam and Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit because He didn’t want them to experience how good life tasted.  Whatever the case, I should have listened, or rather – I now regret not listening.

I think part of the temptation was that I knew he was everything my parents were against. He wasn’t saved, he was a bad boy. And sometimes a good girl wants to prove she isn’t always as innocent as people think she is. I guess I proved a point, but I sure learned a lesson from this experience. He’s tall, dark and handsome, kind of the sexy James Bond type with the ripped abs and muscles everywhere! I often wondered why he chose me. For months I questioned why he would date a girl like me. Sure, I’m pretty cute, but he’s the guy every girl wants. The jock, the prince – and boy did I smile as we strolled around campus together. That night at my sorority party I felt so blessed that he wanted me and not my other sisters.

But today, I have huge regrets to say the least. I wonder how I’m going to tell my parents. My mother will be devastated, it will kill her to know that I am dying. She warned me about sleeping with the enemy. I just chose not to listen. I heard what she said, I just didn’t listen. And my daddy, I’ve always been the apple of his eye, he thought I walked on water. God help me when I tell my daddy, I don’t want to break his heart, but I know this will kill him. Because it’s killing me to be handed this death sentence. I feel like my life has been stolen from me – in the blink of an eye,  in moment of passion – I lost my life.

How does one tell her parents they have HIV, only God knows how they will re-act. I’ve been a good girl all my life. I went to church. I graduated high school at the top of my class, but none of that matters now. I look at my roommate and wonder – why not her, why me? Here I am, this wholesome all American white girl with a death sentence. And there she is, this black girl who has had at least 10 different ‘one-night-stands’ since we’ve been here – and she’s had 4 pregnancy scares! Yet she doesn’t have HIV, well at least I don’t think so, but she hasn’t been tested. We come from similar backgrounds, with the exception that her father is a pastor. We both grew up in the church, but she said that they literally lived in the church. So college was her way to have freedom from her parents. But all that is totally irrelevant now, because HIV doesn’t discriminate – no one is safe. And just because someone looks clean, doesn’t mean they are. One night with the wrong ‘king’ can cost you your life.

I realize I have paid a price for this freedom, that at first didn’t seem to cost me anything, but it cost my parents everything. Because like most parents with kids in college, there are some sacrifices along the way. Our parents hope and pray that we make the right choices with the freedom that has been given to us. I didn’t, I partied my ass off with the best of them. And even though I didn’t smoke weed or do any other drugs, I did like to have a few drinks – who doesn’t, right? But I only had sex with one guy. He made me believe he loved me. I spent time with him, he would buy me things and take me places.  He knew I was waiting, and he claimed he was too. He said that he had been waiting his whole life for me. Of course my mom would say that flattery like that, is just one of the many traps of the enemy, and she was right. But I fell for it. I gave him my gift, you know – the one you are supposed to give to your husband. Well I gave it up. He said he wanted to do it naturally, you know – raw. He promised I wouldn’t get pregnant because he would pull out. Hmmm, I should have known then that a guy who is truly saved wouldn’t know anything about pulling out. But I fell for his lies. Like so many girls my age and younger, we fall for the lies of the enemy.  A cute guy who is popular, who chooses us, tells us we are pretty, and chases us – it makes us feel special. But being naïve and falling to the wiles of the enemy comes at a price. And now it’s costing me everything I ever wanted.

The only thing I can do now is pray, and after being preyed upon – I need to pray and find a way to tell my parents. Where does one begin after he or she has followed their free will instead of God’s perfect plan for their life. Dear God, I am so scared. I thought I was going to die when the nurse told me.  But she told me it’s not the end. I looked at her as if she had lost her mind. Because all I could see was the end – me dying in an empty room with no family or friends to comfort me – just me, all alone. She said, “Baby girl, it’s not the end, it’s just the beginning.” She told me, “What the enemy meant for harm, God will use for good. And that it’s not over until God says it’s over!” She asked me if I believed, I said I used to. She then asked why did I say used too? And I told her it’s because I felt like I had let God down, my parents down, and most of all I had let myself down. She said I hadn’t, and that God has not abandoned me, that He has been waiting on me to return home. That His love for me is unconditional, it doesn’t matter what I’ve done – that He always loves me. That He died for me so that I might have life more abundantly. But most of all, He wants me to fight and not give up. He wants me to run and not grow weary.  He wants me to still believe and still have hope and not be scared but cleave to Him. But how does someone who feels so unworthy and so dirty, now feel deserving of his grace? How does a fallen sheep regain hope? I lost my way, and now its hard finding my way back home. But it shouldn’t be – because You have not abandon me nor forsaken me, You have always remained constant.

I called him to tell him that I was HIV positive. And you know what he did? He laughed, he actually laughed! He said he was wondering when I would find out. That jerk already knew he had the virus. He said he had watched me all my life and had waited for just the right moment when I was really weak and vulnerable. That his mission is to kill, steal and destroy innocent girls like me. He says that he hates me and all women. That he has always hated us. That we are weak and we always fall for the good looking guy who blows our mind with nice words. And that he had grown so tired of this charade of playing a good guy, when he wasn’t. Then he said, “See how much God loves you? He could have protected you, but He didn’t, because He doesn’t love you.” That I am just like my ‘great grandmother’ Eve, who was also weak and fell to temptation. Oh, and that he had lied – that his name wasn’t Lucas, it was Lucifer. And that ultimately his aim has always been to destroy woman because she is the seed carrier!

I listened in disbelief and cried as the nurse took the phone from me. She said “Get behind me Satan, the battle has been won.” Then she told me that the Holy Spirit said I would not die, that I would live. That I have a destiny to fulfill, and that I won’t be leaving this earth until God says it’s time. That I am to spread the gospel, and tell others of His love, and the hope we can have in Him. That this ‘death sentence’ that I now have is His ministry. And that He wants me to use it to tell the other girls about the importance of waiting. That it’s not about missing out while we wait for our husband, it’s about waiting on Him – trusting Him.  To be grateful for this time in our lives, to not grow weary, and to obey our parents – for it is the first commandment with promise. But most of all, that He has a special gift for all of us, and that we just have to have faith and believe in Him and all His promises. That He can restore what the locust and the cankerworms have eaten. That time waits for no man and therefore I am to be about my Father’s business.

And so I told God, “Here I am Lord, send me. Work through me to save all the little Eve’s out there.” I’m putting on the full armor of God and will be ready to minister to them whenever He calls. To tell them how much He loves them. And I am going to tell them about the ultimate sacrifice He made for us. For even though mankind has blamed Eve for eating the apple, the truth is that Adam was the head and was supposed to be watching out for her. He should have protected her, and He should have reminded her what God had commanded – but he didn’t. And so both are to blame, for they both should have obeyed. They should have resisted the temptation of the enemy, but neither did. God has shown me that there are a lot of Lucas’ out there in the world – pretending to be something and someone they are not. That these hot looking smooth talking guys, are of their father the devil – roaring lions walking about, seeking whom they may devour. But He will not allow the enemy to destroy us.

He will always honor His promises to those who obey, who seek Him and His divine love. And all He asks his children to do – is simply be patient, and just wait for Him to write your love story. Don’t give away that most precious gift for free – you’re worth more than that – save your gift for marriage. Don’t have sex until then, save yourself for your wedding night, for the one who truly loves you. The one who has waited for you. The one who prays for you nightly, who thanks God for his wife and asks Him to protect her. Wait Eve, as he has waited for you. Pray for your Adam as he prayed for you. And you will see, it will be beyond anything you can possibly imagine. For your first night will be with your true King, and a glorious event you will never forget. Because it has been written before the creation of the earth.

God has always known who He had picked for you and when you would meet. But ladies, we must wait and pray. He has recently told me that I will married to a loving and Godly man. I will have kids and the house with the white picket fence that I always wanted. And even though I have a disease with a 3 letter name, His name reigns supreme – for it is the name above all other names. For His name is GOD, the great I AM – and those three letters that can even defeat HIV. And all I have to do is ask and believe – and I shall be healed. For by his stripes I am healed. I am healed and I will live. Because my Savior has made me whole again. I have been redeemed.

 

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walkaway

Everybody wants to ‘save’ me, but I don’t want anyone’s help and I sure as hell don’t want to be saved! Besides, shouldn’t I be the one who wants to save myself. My mother says I am on a downward spiral, she says I need a shrink. Come-on, if shrinks worked, there wouldn’t be millions going to see them endlessly every week. Then there’s my friend who has called a priest. How laughable is that?